an interview with the teletubbies
Pre-Recorded December 1997. Re-recorded Feburary 1998!
NOTE TO KIDS : Although the Teletubbies are apparently
supposed to entertain kids, they are different. The
following interview may contain abusive language, and
should not be read by people who are easily offended.
Please skip the text, and click on the Go Back icon at
interview was pre-recorded, exclusively for HHome.co.uk.
It's a Saturday morning, Laa Laa walks into the office
with her mobile phone, arguing with the person on the
other line. The other three follow behind, with Dipsy
tripping on the doorstep. They are not in their happiest
mood, but I had to conduct this interview today, as they
have a god-damned busy schedule ready for Christmas.
HHome - Me
TW - Tinky Winky
D - Dipsy
LL - Laa Laa
P - Po
: So, you're famous. Why?
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - Bog Off!)
: Rumour has it that Sky plan to buy the rights to
Teletubbies. Can you elaborate on that?
D : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - How would
you like it with a satellite up your ass! You'll need an
encoder thingy shoved in our mouths, and we'd pay couple
a quid a month, just to watch our tummy! It's daylight
: Can you get Channel 5?
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - No, we f*****g can't!)
: Do you sometimes get mistaken for a microwave? I
mean, it normally happens with other TV sets.
LL : Booo! (Translated - Sometimes. Tinky managed
to get confused with a washing machine before, but it's
easy to confuse a TV with a microwave. I do it all the
: What's your view on cable television?
P : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : I don't know!)
: Anyway, you lot now have a music career. Did you
help in any other music tracks before your single.
TW : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : You F*****G
moron! Where have you been all this time? Of course! As
you know, we used to go to the huge rave events, get
slaughtered and catch the bus home. We also met a young
DJ Brisk in the proceedings. We done the vocals to
Airhead. He then introduced us to Force & Styles. He
let us play a part in All Over The World. That's only an
anthem, because we done the Ehhh Ohh vocal bits. They're
both F*****G crazy man!)
: I heard rumours that the Children Television
Workshop, in America, were trying to add you lot to their
growing list of Muppets for Sesame Street. What do you
say about that?
D : Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Yes, it's
true. We went for the auditions, which cost us a F*****G
arm and a leg. Laa Laa had to give up dope for a year to
save money! Anyway, at the auditions, we had to say the
letter Zee. We couldn't say it. We couldn't say A either.
Or B, or any other letter. It's not our fault. We were
bought up in Hackney!)
: Why don't you speak English? Bet it's bad for pulling
D : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Why don't
you speak Teletubbie? Bet it's bad for pulling
: Yeah, like I really want to! So, is Mr. Blobbly
really your cousin?
LL : Booo! Hee Hee Hee (Translated : He's a F*****G
fat T****R, but he's our cousin. That T**T Noel isn't! He's
: Can you get remote controls to use, so if the viewer
don't want to watch little kids run around, they can turn
it over and watch, say, QVC or something?
D : Ehhh! (Translated : Do we look like a Super-widescreen,
pro-surround sound, flippin' remote control sets? No, we're
bog standard and proud of it!)
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Yeah!)
: Have you got a television licence for those stomachs?
P : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Who do you think we
are? Some poofy creatures who have nothing better to do
than buy TV licences? If we want to be TV's, we go ahead
and be TV's. We don't get no sodding licence for
something we wanna do! Hey, gotta light. I feel like a
big ganja joint coming on!)
: That baby-sun bloke who laughs at you from the sky. Is
he related to the Gamesmaster? I mean, they look alike.
TW : Yeah, it's his son. He hacks into NASA's
computers and installs pirated software on it every week.
He also like looking at planets and things for his spare
time. Just like his dad, Pat Moore. What a guy!
: Do you get paid, or is the stuff you do slave labour?
LL : Ehhh Ehhh Ohhh Ohhh Ehhh Nooo Ehhh Ohhh Ohhh
Ehhh Ohhh (Translated : No!)
: Why do your aerials on the top of your heads work so
perfectly? The ones you get with portable tellies are
naff. How do you do it?
P : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : How the f**k
should I know? It's, like, the luck of the draw pal! You
must've bought, like, dodgy sets off our mate in Bognor.
He's really dodgy.)
: Do you get hot in those suits?
D : Weeee! Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : These aren't
suits mate! We're, like, naked. This is our natural skin.
We know, like, contacts who deal with bootleg gear, like
AddiHash, Pike - you name it, he's got it! Anyway, we,
like, can't afford it, cos we blow our dosh on quality
weed. Want some?)
: No, we don't condone drugs around here! Get out!
: Bye Bye Tinky Winky.
TW : Bye Bye. (Translated : Shut up you T**T)
Narrator : Bye Bye Dipsy.
D : Bye Bye. (Translated : Bog Off!)
HHome : Oh, this sucks, I'm outta here!
Narrator : Bye Bye Laa Laa.
LL : Bye Bye. (Translated : Goats are Funny. Ha Ha
Narrator : Bye Bye Po.
P : Bye Bye (Translated : Don't push me around you
evil voice from the sky. I hate you! You are all evil!
The sky's falling! Let me OUT!!!!!!)
course, they all popped up again from behind the office
furniture and shout Boo! How intimidating indeed. They
all walk out, unhappy, probably going to buy some dope
from the shifty bloke around the corner, never to be seen
again. Who knows? Who cares?