an interview with the teletubbies

Pre-Recorded December 1997. Re-recorded Feburary 1998!

NOTE TO KIDS : Although the Teletubbies are apparently supposed to entertain kids, they are different. The following interview may contain abusive language, and should not be read by people who are easily offended. Please skip the text, and click on the Go Back icon at the end!

This interview was pre-recorded, exclusively for HHome.co.uk. It's a Saturday morning, Laa Laa walks into the office with her mobile phone, arguing with the person on the other line. The other three follow behind, with Dipsy tripping on the doorstep. They are not in their happiest mood, but I had to conduct this interview today, as they have a god-damned busy schedule ready for Christmas.

Codes:-

• HHome - Me

• TW - Tinky Winky

• D - Dipsy

• LL - Laa Laa

• P - Po

HHome : So, you're famous. Why?
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - Bog Off!)

HHome : Rumour has it that Sky plan to buy the rights to Teletubbies. Can you elaborate on that?
D : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - How would you like it with a satellite up your ass! You'll need an encoder thingy shoved in our mouths, and we'd pay couple a quid a month, just to watch our tummy! It's daylight robbery!!!)

HHome : Can you get Channel 5?
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated - No, we f*****g can't!)

HHome : Do you sometimes get mistaken for a microwave? I mean, it normally happens with other TV sets.
LL : Booo! (Translated - Sometimes. Tinky managed to get confused with a washing machine before, but it's easy to confuse a TV with a microwave. I do it all the time!)

HHome : What's your view on cable television?
P : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : I don't know!)

HHome : Anyway, you lot now have a music career. Did you help in any other music tracks before your single.
TW : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : You F*****G moron! Where have you been all this time? Of course! As you know, we used to go to the huge rave events, get slaughtered and catch the bus home. We also met a young DJ Brisk in the proceedings. We done the vocals to Airhead. He then introduced us to Force & Styles. He let us play a part in All Over The World. That's only an anthem, because we done the Ehhh Ohh vocal bits. They're both F*****G crazy man!)

HHome : I heard rumours that the Children Television Workshop, in America, were trying to add you lot to their growing list of Muppets for Sesame Street. What do you say about that?
D : Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Yes, it's true. We went for the auditions, which cost us a F*****G arm and a leg. Laa Laa had to give up dope for a year to save money! Anyway, at the auditions, we had to say the letter Zee. We couldn't say it. We couldn't say A either. Or B, or any other letter. It's not our fault. We were bought up in Hackney!)

HHome : Why don't you speak English? Bet it's bad for pulling birds.
D : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Why don't you speak Teletubbie? Bet it's bad for pulling Teletubbies!)

HHome : Yeah, like I really want to! So, is Mr. Blobbly really your cousin?
LL : Booo! Hee Hee Hee (Translated : He's a F*****G fat T****R, but he's our cousin. That T**T Noel isn't! He's Gormless!)

HHome : Can you get remote controls to use, so if the viewer don't want to watch little kids run around, they can turn it over and watch, say, QVC or something?
D : Ehhh! (Translated : Do we look like a Super-widescreen, pro-surround sound, flippin' remote control sets? No, we're bog standard and proud of it!)
TW : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Yeah!)

HHome : Have you got a television licence for those stomachs?
P : Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : Who do you think we are? Some poofy creatures who have nothing better to do than buy TV licences? If we want to be TV's, we go ahead and be TV's. We don't get no sodding licence for something we wanna do! Hey, gotta light. I feel like a big ganja joint coming on!)

HHome : That baby-sun bloke who laughs at you from the sky. Is he related to the Gamesmaster? I mean, they look alike.
TW : Yeah, it's his son. He hacks into NASA's computers and installs pirated software on it every week. He also like looking at planets and things for his spare time. Just like his dad, Pat Moore. What a guy!

HHome : Do you get paid, or is the stuff you do slave labour?
LL : Ehhh Ehhh Ohhh Ohhh Ehhh Nooo Ehhh Ohhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh (Translated : No!)

HHome : Why do your aerials on the top of your heads work so perfectly? The ones you get with portable tellies are naff. How do you do it?
P : Ehhh Ohhh Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : How the f**k should I know? It's, like, the luck of the draw pal! You must've bought, like, dodgy sets off our mate in Bognor. He's really dodgy.)

HHome : Do you get hot in those suits?
D : Weeee! Ehhh Ohhh! (Translated : These aren't suits mate! We're, like, naked. This is our natural skin. We know, like, contacts who deal with bootleg gear, like AddiHash, Pike - you name it, he's got it! Anyway, we, like, can't afford it, cos we blow our dosh on quality weed. Want some?)

HHome : No, we don't condone drugs around here! Get out!

Narrator : Bye Bye Tinky Winky.
TW : Bye Bye. (Translated : Shut up you T**T)
Narrator : Bye Bye Dipsy.
D : Bye Bye. (Translated : Bog Off!)
HHome : Oh, this sucks, I'm outta here!
Narrator : Bye Bye Laa Laa.
LL : Bye Bye. (Translated : Goats are Funny. Ha Ha Ha!)
Narrator : Bye Bye Po.
P : Bye Bye (Translated : Don't push me around you evil voice from the sky. I hate you! You are all evil! The sky's falling! Let me OUT!!!!!!)

Of course, they all popped up again from behind the office furniture and shout Boo! How intimidating indeed. They all walk out, unhappy, probably going to buy some dope from the shifty bloke around the corner, never to be seen again. Who knows? Who cares?