spar wars crew log

The Intergalactic Empire of the Far Side is looming again,

only this time, they plan to blow up the universe. Better go sort 'em out!

However, due to lasyness on my behalf, and, of course, my really poor HTML

knowledge, I cannot create the nice scrolly credits that Star Wars has, so this thing

will have to do. My job is to look through the Treble Alliance rosters, and create a crack crew

super dooper enough to kick Daft Fader's ass, and destroy the Death Spar once and for all!

SPAR WARS!

Captain's Log : Who gives a damn. We're rebels, therefore, we do not bother with silly cacky diary thingys. Yeah. Well, I have managed to track down these hard geezers. They are all here to kick Fader's butt!

Flook Spytalker A really lucky bloke. Seems to win his battles using nothing but luck. Blew up the Death Spar for the first time by a power cut. Then the generator ran out of fuel, then the solar panels were stolen, then the hydro power was blocked up, and then he kicked Daft in the danglies. He's kind of the main bloke around here.

Spams Polo As round as the mint. He's a hard bloke, who isn't very popular around the galaxy. Has a nice old spaceship, otherwise, not much cop really.

Yoga A little garden gnome of a dude. Bloody nice chap, even though he's older than my great, great, great, great, grandad. Has big ears, and waffles on about the force. Unfortunately, he sound likes Fozzie bear from the Muppets, which is a big shame. Otherwise, he's a dude!

Schumacher A big old hairy fella, who drives racing cars for money. A bit of a wierdo, considering he speaks like a snoring elephant. Possibly used to be Herman Munster once upon a time. Has allergies to hairdressers and garden shears. Comes complete with nits.

Obi WanKenobi His name will probably get censored eventually. Anyway, he's mates with Flook's dad. Like Yoga, he goes on about the force. He's alright I suppose.

E-Wok Used to make stir fries and other oriental dishes. Useful for hitting evil no-hopers over the head. It's the model before F-Wok and the model after D-Wok.

Boba Debt Some hard hitman bloke who, despite a poor showing in the films, remains popular to Star Wars boffins. He doesn't say a lot. He used to be an evil guy, but the pay was naff, so he joined the Alliance on a three month loan deal.

Lando Chrysanthemum (I spell-checked it as well!) A shifty bloke. Has a nice house. He is, unfortunately, a bit of a hippy, and does eat flowers. Otherwise, he's not too bad. A very witty bugger.

Admiral Snackbar Flies around in space quite a lot. Don't get to see him much here! He's the sort of guy who insists on popping into the nearest McDonald's Fly-thru.

Fart-2-Pee-2 A very smelly robot, who has not been programmed to go to the toilet. He normally sits outside of any spaceships, because of his foul smell. Always make sqeaking noises. Occasionally mistaken as a wheelie bin!

C3BO Another robot, who also smells a lot. Lack of deodorant facilities means this robot has earned his name. Despite his gold complexion, not many people try to half-inch him and sell him to a jewellers. It's his smell!

Princess Layer Organic Very much an agricultural farmer. She is the woman who spreads the manure around the fields in the country side. She also smells a bit, and tends to get shouted at by some motorists. Such a pity, but never mind!

Spar Wars - Episode One - The Fattened Tennis

Yes, the crew of the Treble Alliance have managed to travel back in time and grab a few suckers... I mean, crew members to add to our rosters. Here are some of them:-

Queer-On-Gin A Jedi master, bought back from the dead. He knows his stuff well and he is a good fighter on the light sabre. However, he should be strongly avoided after a couple of drinks - this seems to be his only downfall so far...

Queen Armadillo Joined the Alliance after her reign as a queen. Tends to roll up into a ball and roll around the floor. Likes to hide under beds and cupboards. Smooth on the inside, crunchy on the outside - Armadillo!

Anarchy Skywalker A little brat who keeps wrecking things and stealing the spare parts to build droids and Odd-racers. Yoga doesn't like him much, as he is too disruptive and ruins the harmony and the vibes etc...

Daft Mall A bad guy, but he was only bad due to the lack of shopping facilities on his home planet. Has scary face-paint to scare the hardest of security guards and store detective, and has a double-ended light sabre for wide shop aisles.

Jam Jar Banks A tall character with big ears. Bit of a moron and quite annoying. He loves to make preserves, and stores them in his cabin - it's normally a nice smell of strawberries when you walk past him.

Otto A junk-yard dealer specialising in spare parts for spacecrafts. Also likes a bet or two on Odd-racing. He can fly, and used to work part-time in the Simpsons TV show.

Ah well, there's plenty of Star Wars geezers just waiting to get ripped off. I will discover them as I battle my way against the Far Side. Oh well, see ya, and may the horse be with you!

Admiral HellFire Of The Treble Alliance.