microsoft meadows

Also incorporating Intel Islands!

Yep, roll up, roll up, it's Microsoft Meadows - The long-awaited theme park, courtesy of those boffins from Redmond, Washington. This is completely exclusive to HHome.co.uk so read on...

Microsoft Meadows will be located 10 miles outside Bognor, which is an important seaside resort with a lot of tourists. Covering a huge 20-acre area with masses of tarmac, Microsoft Meadows is a park to reckon with.

Here is a list of proposed attractions and features you can expect to find in Microsoft Meadows:-

Death-Defying Roller Coaster

The working name for this huge ride is currently the Address Bus. It will feature eight high-capacity cars, built like microchips, feature eight death-defying G-Force Loop-the-Loops, along with chicanes, smoke screens, sharp brakes, and a maximum height of 3000ft from the ground. All this, and the knowledge that the Roller Coaster's system is completely driven by Windows '95, makes this the awesome ride to die for!!! (Not recommended to people with heart conditions. Height and hardware restrictions apply).

Microsoft Museums

There are two of these on either side of the park. One for Intel hardware, the other for Microsoft products. You can have the chance to beta-test the latest products, and competitions aplenty, including prizes for the quickest time it takes to crash Windows. Experience the first versions of Windows, Word, and many many more besides. The hardware museum features Intel chips and stuff, ranging from the old 8086, to present day chips, and beyond! Recommended to those nostalgic types among us!

New! Within the Microsoft Museum, you can find artefacts, kindly donated by Bill Gates, including the very same suit he wore when he got pied (the pie stains are still there), and the many copies of Windows which crashed during his speeches. There's also some legal documents from many of his court cases, some of which are very exclusive to the government (until we stole them back!)

The Bill Gates Worship Shrine

Yes, it's a temple for those who worship Bill. Anyone who reckons Billy is bigger than God can come here and sacrifice non-believers. Or perhaps you are the voodoo type, who wants to perform voodoo rituals on Mr. Gates!

The Arcade Huts

There are eight arcade huts, scattered around the park for your gaming pleasure. Included in these arcades include top games like Microsoft Dome, Microsoft Golf, Microsoft Flight Simulator, Solitaire, Mine Sweeper, Calculator, and many, many more. All programmed professionally by Microsoft programmers, using MSDos. Well worth the two-quid prices!

Cybernet Cafes

Drink your coffee or eat your chips (obsolete Pentiums) while you mess around in the World Wide Web, using Internet Explorer. Can't be bad. Friendly and rapid service makes these cafes, the best around! Voted one out of five in "What? food" guide.

The Cinema Galleries

Two large-screen cinemas (24" SVGA), showing all of the latest movies (from Alaska), such as E.T, Terminator, Karate Kid, Robocop, and many, many more! Experience the sound from a pair of 20-watt computer speakers. Hear every bass thud, freeze at every tingling piano tune, and basically enjoy a multimedia experience. Movies digitally remastered using Paintbrush.

The Gift Shops

Selling mugs, T-Shirts, sticks of rock, and other paraphenalia, most of which has Bill Gates printed on each one. Also available, new range of Windows deodorants - smells just like Bill Gates! Baseball caps with the Windows logo on the front, football shirts with Windows logo on the front, and Gates printed on the back. Gift vouchers also available, as well as a whole range of Microsoft and Intel products.

The Entertainers

All entertainers are dressed in Bill Gates costumes, similar to the Teletubbies. They perform comedy shows in the main showground between 2.00 and 5.30pm, although you can always expect them to be late! Watch them roll about, throw custard pies, and type documents using Word. Great fun for the youngsters!!

More Entertainers

Yep, it's those all singing, all dancing Intel Technicians. Their nice radioactive-like costume and their great dance acts make these guys the best for miles! There's also Intel Technician merchandise, including deodorant which smells just like a technician who has came out of the suit after 5 hours of intensive work! Can't be bad!

The Toilets

Experience the feeling of using Windows to flush the bog. See how the water stops at the right level, and flushes at the right time. If you don't like the sound of this, then there's always the bushes!

The Crane Machines

Yes, the crane machines are full of different items. Stuff your cuddily toys, these are the machines to play on! Win prizes such as CD-ROM drives, Hard Drives, Memory Expansions, Soundcards, Mice, Joysticks, Modems, Keyboards, and many other wonderful things. You can collect them and trade them in for the latest Microsoft merchandise. It's entirely up to you!

The Netscape Coconut Shy

Roll up, roll up. Win yourself a copy of Netscape Communicator! The traditional coconut shy, revamped for the millennium by replacing coconuts with enemy software. Also available, the OS2 shy, the Lotus Smartsuite shy and the all important J++ Builder shy...

Dunk the Judge

Bill Gates has bought along some friends for this attraction. With his battles in court, he needs a stress relief solution. This is in the form of Dunk The Judge. Simply throw a ball at the target, and if you hit the target, the federal court gets wet! Family fun all the way!

Bungee Jumping

This is the almightly thrill sweeping most places. This theme park is no exception! With a specially adapted mouse, with a 20ft lead, you can also experience the thrills of bungee jumping! Wooooooooooooohhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bingo Halls

Yes, for the more peaceful people amongst us, there is Microsoft Bingo. This isn't any ordinary bingo however, as the numbers are actually error codes from Windows applications. The bingo caller simply crashes a program, and you check the error code off your board. Win prizes such as CD-ROMs, peripherals, motherboards and CPUs. If you're lucky, you can win the top-of-the-range jackpot prize of a powerful Intel computer! Can't be bad! All the 3's 453gfdsd4534343733a!!!

The Clock Tower

It's better than Big Ben (considering Big Ben's the bell, then most clocks can tell the time better!) It is a full-size tower case, with a clock telling you the time in binary, as well as decimal. Also beeps every hour! (Due to technical problems, this will be unavailable after 1st January 1900 (surely that is meant to say 2000?)).

The Change Machines

Yeps, like every theme park around, you can change up your normal hard-earned cash into special Microsoft cash. For every 1 Micro$oft Dollar, you only have to pay 100! The machines accepts 50 notes or more.

Jukeboxes in every building

Of course, your visit is not complete without a little relaxation in the form of music. All our jukeboxes are chocked full with MIDI files, ranging from Brahams to Beethoven. All in superb 24-watt stereo with visual graphics supplied by MediaPlayer.

Guess The Licence Number

A random Microsoft product is picked up daily, and all you have to do is guess the licence number of that product. If you guess correctly, you win that piece of software! Easy peasy! Maximum amount of guesses by one person is six, so think wisely...

The Hoop-la

Do you think your aim is good? If so, try your luck on the AOL-sponsored Hoop-la (or ring toss). Simply throw an AOL compact disc onto a spike correctly to win prizes! Lots of fun, and almost possible to do!

UPDATE! - Opening Hours!

Monday - Friday - 08:00 - 20:00 (start to queue at the gates about 10:00),

Saturday - 14:00 - 22:00 (half-day at the courtrooms),

Sunday - Closed (Unless income is low for the week),

New Year's Eve Spacial - 08:00 - 00:01 (January 1980),

There will be more attractions as time goes by. These are the comfirmed few. Prices are uncomfirmed, although computing students get discount.

The park will be opened by Bill Gates himself, who will sign your versions of Windows '98 (for a small "upgrade" fee).

Estimated Opening Date:- 24 January, 1993.


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