the national lottery

Yes sir! This is my page on one of the biggest and better 'get rich quick' schemes in the country - The National Lottery! Okay, so it is rumoured to be fixed, and no-one has won without buying a ticket, but it's all so fun for a quid! And you make rich theatres get ever richer in the process!

Top Ten Lottery Tips, by Mystic Smeg

1 - Make Sure You Are 16 Or Over.

2 - Buy A Ticket, Using Sterling Pounds.

3 - Buy It From A Reputable Business.

4 - Make Sure It Is Still In Date.

5 - Do Not Rip It Up Before The Draw.

6 - Do Not Fill In The Void Box.

7 - Make Sure You Choose 6 Numbers.

8 - Do Not Listen To Mystic Meg. She Smells!

9 - Use A Biro To Mark Your Numbers.

10 - Win.

Things that can happen to stall the Lottery!

Graham Kelly using the machine for the FA Cup fifth round draw, even though he's no longer in the FA.

Everyone decides that their pound coins can go towards some other use, and don't bother playing.

The Daz Doorstep Challenge steps in and washes everybody's clothes inside the machine.

The whole of the U.K. returning their tickets during the show, because they are faulty.

Microsoft buying the rights for the lottery and using Windows '95 to run the machine.

They forgot to ask somebody from the street to choose a machine and a set of balls.

Someone putting their washing into the machine, thinking it was a tumble dryer.

Bob Monkhouse spending half-hour to explain a joke which no-one understands.

A craft fair held yesterday has used the balls for heads on home-made dolls.

The crowd cannot be bothered to go Ohhhh... every time a ball pops out.

Someone turning it on its side, and confusing it with a wheel barrow.

The machine decides to turn itself into a Scud missile impersonator.

John McCririck placing odds on every single ball (with his burners).

Somebody replaces the balls with grapes, which will produce wine.

The button-presser getting an electric shock from a dodgy button.

Somebody half inches the machine before the curtain is raised.

The barrel part of the machine falls off and rolls down the M1.

The Hackney council using the machine as a cement mixer.

Somebody nicks half of the barrel for the Millennium Dome.

Second Round of the Table Tennis World Championships.

Mystic Meg being caught in the mist with Russell Grant.

Twenty-odd balls popping out of the machine in one go.

A demented hamster getting some excercise inside it.

The balls being trodden on, and crushed accidentially.

Somebody uses the ball for substitutes for Big Break.

Protesters against Dale Winton going onto the stage.

Someone using the machine for a charity prize raffle.

The Lottery Machine gets clogged up with limescale.

Mystic Meg being crushed by a comet from Saturn.

Power failure can stop the machine from spinning.

Two balls with the same number pops out.

The machine blowing up with a huge bang.

The dudicator not wearing his proper suit.

Paul Daniels makes the balls disappear.

Mystic Meg choking on the smoke.

Someone stealing the jackpot.

Last Minute News Report.

No-one buying a ticket.

The world ending.

Lighting failure.

Bomb Scare.

Bingo Night.

Skydivers.

Streaker.

I am aware that the way in which the Lottery show is presented changes every 35 seconds or so, and this chart may look pretty old for some parts, but it just shows how much I watch the lottery.

That advert mentioned a guaranteed jackpot of £12.5 million pounds! Did I get my guaranteed jackpot? Did I f**k! I'm filing a case against Camelot for false advertising tomorrow!

The latest advertising campaign by Camelot, exclusive to HHome.co.uk, and while stocks last...

Buy One Number For £1, Get The Other Five For FREE!!!