computer jargon

This is the page for people who know a bit about computers, but don't find them amusing. Alternatively, if you don't know about computers, you can find out what not to know about them. Confused? You will be!

Memory Dumps - There is a type of memory called RAM. As the farmers amongst you may know, a ram is a type of sheep. Going for a dump is an expression used, meaning going for a crap. Therefore, memory dumps simply define as Sheep's Crap. Simple really.

Motherboard - Mother of the Sonboard, wife to the Fatherboard.

FAT - File Allocation Tables. Used to store disks with files on, and the odd electricity bills. Also available, File Allocation Shelves, File Allocation Cupboards and File Allocation Drawers.

Mac - The name given to a Scottish geezer's computer system.

Hard Drive - I'll let your imagination decide.

Cache - Ker-ching, ker-ching, ker-ching. It's the chips which run money programs. Useful for banks.

Microsoft - Micro meaning Small, Soft meaning Woosies. An organisation which have small amount of woosies. In other words, they're well 'ard. They're gonna beat ya up!

Internet (1) - Opposite of Outernet. Duh!

Internet (2) - The official name for Inter Milan Football Club's Website (Starring Ronaldo!)

MHz - Megahertz - The amount of pain given out by a computer when it electocutes someone.

Intel - The opposite of Outtel.

Outtel - The opposite of Intel!

Macro - A network of Scottish computer systems, on a long table.

Keyboard - Given that name, because people try to unlock passwords.

Hardware Interrupt - Going to a college/office technician during their tea-break, to tell them the network is down.

Software Interrupts - Going to a college/office technician during a Heretic tournament, to tell them the network is down.

Byte - What people do to Chips, in order to eat them up!

Bios - A computer is BIOSed when it crashes to certain people.

ASCII - I think they make ice cream cones. It is also what you say when you are not too sure about something and you go and ask the gaffer. The American inventor was sexist, and called it 'Ask He'

KiloByte - A term used to define Rabies. It kills you and it is passed on by bites.

Pascal - An abbreviation. Used by Americans who are trying to solve a spreadsheet. Came from the sentence "Pass the Calculator"

High Density - A floppy disk, which has more room for corrupt sectors than a normal disk.

System - A French abbrieviation, basically meaning 'La Syster Temporarie', which is a temporary sister. Kind of like adoption, only that you can have a refund after a while.

Memory - I've forgotten. Doh!

E-Mail - Comes before F-Mail, and after D-Mail.

R.S.I. - Repetitive Strain Injury. This normally occurs in the neck area, after banging your head against the wall when Windows has crashed.

Resolution - Another year, another sucessful MicroSoft product? Hmmmmm....

Space Bar - Called Space Bar, because of the amount of keyboard space it takes up...

DOS - This is a screen which is used in a college/office to show that the computer user is not working, but dossing around...

Windows '95 - Despite the number of boffins working for MicroSoft, they fail to realise that 95 doesn't come after 3! The number they require is 4! I might be wrong, but can somebody tell me what happened to Windows 4 to Windows 94? THERE ARE 90 VERSIONS OF WINDOWS MISSING!!!!!!!!!

Batch Files - These are available from most hardware stores. The set includes a nail file, a metal file, and an X file. Basically, it's a batch of three different files.

Web Site - This was given the name Web Site, because it just sits there on the server, waiting to be updated. It never does, and cobwebs eventually creep in.

Hand Scanner - I am not sure why these are called Hand Scanners... I mean, every time I try to scan my hand with one, it never comes out!

Search Engines - Used for people who have ridiculously long website addresses, and can't remember what it is.

Network - A net that works. Seems obvious really...

Cobol - A programming language, mainly used for internet sites. The name comes from the Bolivian company's e-mail address, which was mail@hitech.co.bol

Active-X - A component invented by the French subsidary of Microsoft. It was formally known as Active, until someone broke it, or, as the French would say "Le Active Ex.", meaning ex-active (no longer active). So it is basically a Microsoft invention that no longer works.

MPEG - A movie file. Comes before NPEG and after LPEG.

FTP - A tent in which native F's live in.

More next update (perhaps)...